The Big Book Of Things Man Was Not Meant To Know

To Sleep, Perchance To Snore

2009-12-11T01:47:11Z

The time for my month-long nap is nearly hear. A technomage recently gave me a dragon's eye and I have integrated it into my defense systems. I am disturbed that recently a vampire was able to enter my lair, and drink my souvenir can of Dracula energy drink. I believe I have fixed the problem and should have no more nosferatu visiting me.

This year, I'll be hanging upside down from the bedroom ceiling with my head in a vat of egg nog. I've found that sleeping upside down helps with joint stiffness. The egg nog should help capture and channel oneiric energy.

I wish you all a happy appropriate holiday, and I'll see you in two thousand ten.

The Lotus, A Cat With A Card Catalogue, Cathode Ray Tubes

2009-11-26T02:13:05Z

Have I told you the story of the Land Of The Lotus Eaters? I suspect I have. Once, Morpheus asked his father, Hypnos, "What is sleep?"

Hypnos thought a bit and said "Sleep is a foretaste of death, to prepare man for the end when it comes."

But, Morpheus mother said to him "Sleep is not death, but repose. It is a rest to reinvigorate man for the new day." And she gave to Morpheus a bag of magic sand. She told her son to spread the colored sand in the minds of sleepers and see what they made of it. This is how we first came to dream. Morpheus grew fond of dreams and wanted more. He asked his mother to make a land of nothing but dreams. So she created the lotus- with petals black and indigo, the colors of sleep and one petal fire red for dreams. She set the lotus to growing on an island. There the people would eat the lotus and sleep and dream all the time.

I have found the Land Of The Lotus Eaters. The Lord Stag and Lady Arachne live there. It is easy to enter and very hard to leave.

In other news, I am reminded that you- the feline with the degree in library sciences- have a birthday.

In still other news, something is wrong with my television. First, the digital switch robbed me of channnels 6, 12, 35, 48, 57, and 65. Now, either my television or my converter box is dying. At times, when I turn on the set the upper half of the picture is expanded and the lower half is compressed. I worry greatly. Doc Cathode no function well tv without.

A Sojourn. The Solstice

2009-11-17T03:50:02Z

I visited the den of the Lord Stag and the Lady Arachne this past week. I had intended to stay for a day. I ended up staying for five days. I slept completely through one of them.

I also watched Kung Fu Hustle, Push, A documentary on Miss Gay America, and season 3 of the IT Crowd.

I also read to them (the Lady Arachne calls me her bard). I read a story on Mohandad Gandhi, leader of the Thugee. I read from a book on Hijras, the sacred and profane eunuchs of India. I read The Last Giants. I read True Names, a book that examines cyberpunk themes through the lens of high fantasy.

I had an epiphany as to what to give the Lord Stag for the Solstice. As I am trying to get the Lord Stag and the Lady Arachne to read The Big Book Of Things Man Was Not Meant To Know, I cannot share the epiphany here. Suffice it to say, that it will be a handmade gift.

Ah, the winter solstice! It is less than thirty days now til my month-long nap. I must begin preparations.

Golems, Yet Again

2009-11-09T08:49:45Z

My mother periodically sends me clippings. This time, among the clippings was a story on the Maharal of Prague. For those not familiar, the Maharal was a man largely credited with mystic knowledge in general and the creation of a golem specifically. Reading of him, I was inspired to try once again to create my own golem.

I reviewed my options. Traditionally, golems are made from virgin river clay. I know of no virgin rivers. Clay is messy, and I think a bit boring. I did not feel like robbing graves or stitching together dead tissue. A clockwork golem held promise, but various steps in the process violate the terms of my lease. I settled on a wholly new medium. I would create a golem with a body of abstractions and information. I would make the internet a golem!

I prepared myself. I had begun the ritual when I received an unpleasant surprise. The internet was already a golem. I don't know who animated it or when. I tried removing the sacred word from its mouth. Have you ever tried to locate the mouth of the internet? It isn't easy. I removed the Name. There proved to be multiple redundant backups. I cannot find a way to remove them all.

Know that the internet is a living (more or less) thing. Like any golem, it has grown huge and become a destructive monster. Instead of smashing buildings, it corrupts data. It smears the filth of goatse and tubgirl on pristine walls. It gets bigger and more destructive every second.

Thankfully, I know one of the Thirty Six. If they can't handle this, I'm sure those who watch them can.

Samhain, Septa, Steak Nuggets

2009-11-04T04:17:41Z

The Lord Stag and the Lady Arachne were unable to accompany me to the Henri David ball. It's just not as much fun by myself. So, I went to a party I had been invited to on the silicon web. At first, things were promising. The hostess greeted me in a latex mini dress. But, it turned out to be less of a Halloween party and more a gathering of people to watch the world series. Things livened up some at the witching hour when the hostess made a high proof witch's brew. But, all in all it was rather a dud.

I slept the rest of Sunday and most of monday (missing a monthly gathering of vampires in the process). Then, I found out that Septa (the local transit authority) had gone on strike. This makes it impossible to get to my day program or pretty much any where else.

In good news, the brand of steak nugget I prefer has reformulated. The new recipe does not include a lactic acid starter culture. This means there is no mixing of milk and meat and I can eat them.

In other news, a Philipina I've known for many months was supposed to be visiting this month. I haven't heard from her in a week or two. I am not as yet sure what to make of this.

Hugs, Sleep, Halloween

2009-10-30T00:15:18Z

Two weeks ago, I was standing by the Giant Clothespin. I saw two women approaching. They carried signs saying "FREE HUGS". When they were close enough, I asked "Why was Hugs imprisoned?".

I slept for nearly forty hours straight this week. It would be a new record, but I got up in the middle and used the bathroom.

I am looking forward to Halloween. The Henri David ball may be canceled this year though.

Werewolf Hats, Birthdays, Old Friends, And Adventures

2009-10-11T20:56:29Z

I finished my werewolf hat. I am rather proud of it. It's turned out to be the cheapest and least labor intensive of all my Halloween costumes. I still hope to win a prize with it.

I like wearing it around the neighborhood. As usual, most people notice it but don't say anything. I wore it to the Russian market this morning. Good times.

My sister's birthday was yesterday. My niece's birthday is today. My best friend's birthday is the seventeenth. Sadly, none of these people live near me so I do not get cake.

I was staring into the fumes of a porcine incense burner and once again marvelling at a friend's adventures. I felt jealous for a bit. Then, I reminded myself that any life lived properly is an adventure. I live in the magician's toyshop. I open the door and walk into a world of wonders. I saw a lot of squirrels today. I wore a werewolf hat. I ate eggs for breakfast. It was an adventure.

Werewolf Fur, Publishing, Transportation

2009-10-03T02:08:44Z

I spent several hours wandering along Roosevelt boulevard today. I was looking for AC Moore, Michael's or Jo Ann's. After several miles of wandering, I found an AC Moore. They do not sell bolts of fabric. They had some passable fur but a strip two inches by twenty was four dollars. I ate at Checker's for the first time. They have good fries. I continued wandering. I got on a bus. I spotted a Michael's and got off the bus. Michael's does not sell bolts of fabric and had no passable werewolf fur. I was close to Jo Mar, so I walked there. I had low expectations. While Jo Mar most definitely sells bolts of cloth, their inventory is not seasonal. I spotted a remnant that might work. It was only fifty cents so I figure it was better to buy it than regret not buying it later. Then, I found two bolts of faux fur. They were perfect, except that they were white. I continued looking and found a wool that was greyish and looked like the coat of unkempt dog. I bought two yards.

Now, I begin design sketches. I must also collect pictures of wolfs' heads. The plan is a minimalist kind of werewolf. A head made from a baseball cap, gloves with fur and claws, furred shoe covers, and a furry tail. I will use the eyes I harvested from a stuffed sheep I bought years ago. Plastic witch nails will make claws, and painted white and paired with chewed sugarless gum they will make fangs. It is time to begin my work.

Regarding publishing, I think some of you misunderstood me. I am not interested in self publishing or vanity press. I am looking for places to submit stories for publication- science fiction and fantasy magazines and such.

Finally, on the tenth day of this month, in a pavilion in Gettysburg, there will be a gathering. I need a ride. Being unusually cash heavy at this time, I can chip in for fuel.

The Day Of Atonement, A Storm, And Letters

2009-09-30T01:43:33Z

Yom Kippur was rather uneventful this year. I forgot to send out an apology for my transgressions of the past year. I mostly lay in bed and thought.

I realized I should have more sex in 5770.

In other news, a typhoon has hit the Philipines. You may remember that I have an uncanny allure to Filipinas. I've actually been chatting with a particular Filipina for about a year now. Even when she is offline, I can send SMS messages to her cell phone. She is thus always in reach.

Until she went completely offline a few days ago. I cannot recall where exactly in the Philipines she lives. Was it Cebu? Central Visayas? Or was it Manilla- precisely where the typhoon hit hardest?

In still other news, my therapist says I should look into getting some of my writings published. I figured that amongst my poppets there would be some one who knew where I should submit my tales. So, I turn to you for answers.

So This Is 5770

2009-09-24T01:52:08Z

Saturday was the Jewish new year. It was also Talk Like A Pirate Day. I have mixed feelings about Talk Like A Pirate Day. On the one hand, it's always good to get some craziness into people's routines. On the other hand, I find the idea of scheduled craziness to be oxymoronic.

In other news, I need werewolf fur. As the only werewolf I am on friendly terms with is in California, there is a problem.

I feel especially strange today. I think the culprit is some expired potato salad.

I may have a new source for portrait plates and Janus figurines.

College Reunion, Mor Filipinas

2009-09-11T23:41:28Z

I have an unofficial college reunion this sunday. I am looking forward to seeing old friends. But, I also dread the occasion. They will have degrees, jobs, families. What have I accomplished? What have I done?

Apparently, I have a talent for attracting young Filipino women who are separated, widowed, or divorced. I am like catnip to them. I just hang out on the internet, and they are drawn to me like iron filings to a magnet. If only I had this effect on women in Philadelphia. I am exploring this power, trying to both broaden and deepen it. I vow to use it only for good.

Where Are You? Who Are You?

2009-09-04T23:38:14Z

The recent death of a friend has made me realize that some of you have drifted away from me, and that there are others who I never got as close to as I would like. If you've been reading The Big Book Of Things Man Was Not Meant To Know, you know me. But, I'd like you to know me better.

I used to see my gaming friends once a week. Then, it was once a month. Now, they are fading away. I haven't spoken to the Wolf Man in months.

I want to know you better. I want to share myself with you. I want to fight entropy and make our bonds stronger.

I Need You My Poppets

2009-08-21T03:53:26Z

My mood is usually a 6. A 10 is Shakira, Salma Hayek and Grace Jones all paying me millions to make love to them. A 1 means I'm suicidal or near and should probably have myself committed.

I'm currently at a 3.

I recently gave up beef jerky. You see it is made with lactic acid, a milk product and thus not kosher. Every day I wake up with a righteously clawing need for the stuff. The voice telling me to give in to my craving and betray my G-d gets louder and more convincing every day.

Paul's death upset me somewhat. For some reason, once I heard that it was suicide it really started to hurt. I had not realized he meant so much to me.

I turned to a certain angel for comfort, only to receive the news that she has taken to another man.

I decided to go to WaWa for some comfort food. I really wanted a soft pretzel. They were out.

On the walk home, I prayed to the Lord for some sign- some drop of balm for my aches. "Speak to me!" I cried. A passing driver shouted "Fuck you!".

I need you my poppets. I need to feel loved. I need to feel wanted.I need healing.

The End Of A Dance With Cats

2009-08-20T04:19:59Z

The world has lost a good man. He apparently had inner demons I never knew about. I did know that he was a loving father, a good friend, and a committed fire fighter. I'm not sure what else to say. Until just now, I did not realize how much I valued him.

I Have A Burning Question

2009-08-14T01:04:59Z

What would happen if I approached a drug dealer and asked for a product whose name I made up? If, for example, I said "Hey man, I want some glow juice." what would their reaction be? For some reason, I strongly suspect they would not admit their ignorance of such a substance. I think, they would ply me with questions in attempt to indirectly gain information.

"Glow Juice? Umm what kind you want?"

"How much you want?"

that kind of thing.

I think it would all play out like the emperor's new clothes.

Then again, there's the off chance that there really is a drug that goes by the street name of glow juice and I'd be the one in over my head. I wonder . . .

Safety Tip

2009-08-14T00:35:22Z

Label all your CDs clearly. Because if you do a few tabs of silverskin and are pleasuring yourself, and Dust In The Wind comes on instead of Shakira, then you WILL see things you are NOT ready for.

A Summoning Of The Angel Nippyel

2009-08-02T19:20:24Z

I have, so far, been unable to meet the angel Nippyel. This is extremely unsatisfactory. I refuse to put up with the situation any longer. So-

Here I have an Oscar Mayer weiner whistle!
With it's shrill voice, I summon the angel Nippyel!
Here I have electrical tape!
With it I shall weave a garment for the angel Nippyel!
Here I have a dog-headed tiki!
With its broad smile, I call the angel Nippyel!
With lightning shall I make a beacon!
I summon the angel Nippyel!

So mote it be.

A Day Of Sorrow

2009-07-29T23:18:23Z

I was really looking forward to tonight. I had a planned meeting with her majesty, the Queen Of Noble Gases. After studying the local vampires, we were going to adjourn to my laboratory to review the work of Caligari and perform some experiments.

She had to cancel.

Now, I am sad and alone and all the dry ice is going to waste.

Anybody Speak Russian?

2009-07-22T03:18:56Z

So, I was on the el in my priest of Cthulhu costume. I'm having a nice chat with a woman who is telling me that only Jesus can save me. Naturally, I'm telling her that when Cthulhu wakes there shall be no escape.

Then, a woman gets on. Due to her features and dress, I can tell she is of Soviet extraction. I'm about to tell her that Cthulhu waits and dreams in the deep and the cities of man shall fall before him, when she looks at me. Her eyes go wide. She makes the sign of the cross. She shouts (this is my best guess at proper transliteration) "Spachika karoll padmorem!"

I decide to drop my shtick (I believe you should speak softly and carry a big shtick)and explain things to her. But as soon as I open my mouth, her eyes go even wider and she shouts "Spachika karoll padmorem!". I stand to approach her and she runs for the door. She is now screaming wildly and clawing at the door. She got off at the next stop, rather quickly.

"What does 'Spachika karoll padmorem' mean?" asks the woman who is so keen on Jesus.
"It means that I know the sound your soul will make when it dies." I answer.

She looks me in the eyes, hoping I am joking. I stare back intently.

She also gets off several stops before her destination.

Heaven, Earth, And Angels

2009-07-14T01:47:21Z

My niece has gotten me involved with Heaven And Earth again. H&E is a computer game in the same way that Nutella is food. Heaven And Earth is three components- a pendulum meditation game, a very original card game, and a set of a dozen puzzle categories. Each category begins simply and goes through the stages of Ocean, Desert, Mountain and finally Sky. Each puzzle is more difficult than the last and each category adds a new aspect to the puzzles- until they all combine in Sky.

I have mastered Flip Turn, Antimaze, Multiple Cursors, and the Identity Maze. But total mastery of the others eludes me.

I recently heard again one of my favorite songs, Natalie Merchant's "Because The Night". I have had part of the lyrics stuck in my head for days.

"Love is an angel, disguised as lust."

I feel that way sometimes.

More Tales Of The Hobbits

2009-07-11T06:31:36Z

While here, we visited a Russian market. My niece was curious about a container of fish. So, my sister took a pair of tongs from the pickle vat and attempted to pick up the fish. She was on her second try when a furious worker silently snatched the tongs from her hands.

While going through the metal detector for jury duty, I asked if I had to take my belt off. They said yes. Naturally, my pants fell down. By which I do not mean a little. My pants were down around my ankles. I've come to expect these kind of things.

At one of the many local Chinese restaurants, my niece ordered the soft shell crab tempura. She then refused to eat it. The next day, we went to a seafood place and she ordered crab legs. They are, apparently, her favorite. Trying to comprehend how a person can like crab but not even try soft shell crab still hurts my brain.

I still have a gallon of Arizona diet green tea. Here's a true factoid. The woman on the front label of the container is a prostitute. She is not a geisha. Geishas were just entertainers. She is an oiran. Note that her obi, her cloth belt, ties in front. This was to make it easier for her to disrobe and service customers. Note also the long wooden forks in her hair. These were traditionally used by oiran to support their ornate hair styles. Finally, please note that for once I am not embellishing the truth even a tiny bit.

I am also left with a jar of Nutella. I bought it for my niece, and she never got around to eating it. On the first day they were here, I could not even find the jar. I said "I got you Nutella and now I cannot find it!". She said "Thank you for the Nutella, whatever it is."

I was disappointed that my niece did not want to assist in any of the soldering projects I had waiting. I still have to put a momentary switch button on this computer. At present, you turn it on by touching two bare wires together. It reminds me of every car stealing scene I've ever watched.

The Hobbits Have Returned To The Shire

2009-07-10T22:29:07Z

But we had a lot of fun while they were here. We rode the Ducks. My mother and I rode the SkyBike. We went to South Street. We were, tragically, unable to find the Naked Chocolate Cafe. I have a plaster brain to remember them by. I was also able to find at the fabulous Jomar, the More Than Complete Hitch Hiker's Guide for $3.

I was selected to be on the Justice Squadron. I reported to the Fortress Of Municipal Vengeance. I was eventually dismissed due to my feeling that the local constabulary, having received training in this very thing, was more reliable when reporting details.

The Manly Men Of Maintenance have come and unclogged my bath tub. They left behind a plunger. I keep forgetting to call and remind them to pick it up.

The Magical Hebrews have agreed to pay my dues for the Philadelphia Area Gaming Enthusiasts. I feel somewhat guilty about this. However, it was entirely their idea. My case worker asked if I got out socially and it went from there.

A Geeky Note

While at the Franklin Institute, we saw a huge device labeled "Newton's Dream". It was broken. I remarked that it must have approached relativistic speed.

doc_cathode @ 2009-06-24T20:49:00

2009-06-25T00:50:10Z

The switch to digital has not been kind to me. I am not receiving channels six, twelve, thirty five, forty eight, fifty seven or sixty five. I barely receive channel seventeen and channel twenty nine. As twenty nine is home of the Simpsons, I am greatly displeased.

The Hobbits come from the Shire for their visit in less than a week. I am worried that my domain is not clean enough. I am disappointed that they will be staying for only four days.

In other news, the future continues to arrive. I believe a revolution is coming in Iran. As I have often said, the revolution WILL be televised. It will even be Tweeted.

Father'ss Day

2009-06-22T00:42:53Z

It's on this day especially that I wish she hadn't traded our son, Herbert, for a box of Sandman comics.

Advice From My Therapist, And A Last Chance To Make Flying Ointment

2009-06-16T03:26:36Z

I am fundamentally unworthy of being loved. But my therapist refuses to believe this. She wants those of you who know me well to post one thing you like about me.

In other news, this Sunday will be my last chance to suction some fat from a cute little baby (Keyna hurra) before he is baptized. I know how to safely, painlessly get the sample without leaving a mark. What I'm unsure of is how to get to the church. I'd ask Horlick the Technomancer, but he's in Rochester. I know I can get to the PATCO high speed line and that NJ Transit can be found at 30th street station. But I don't know where to go from there.